Light at the end of the tunnel.
There sits a clown. See those eyes? They tell you more about what the brain is doing than the Instagram caption said in its original post. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we put on our masks and filters and float through life like everything is fine when inside we are clawing at the mental prisons we have put ourselves in, and keep faking it until we make it?
I don't have the answers to this. But on July 29th, 2020. After four long months of slowly falling into an abyss, my silent cries for help were answered.
Mini Monster and I have been seeing a therapist. Even though I was once a teenager, having a teenage daughter is not for the faint of heart. And the new teenagers come with issues that I, myself as a teen, never imagined. For example, when I was a teen, we left school, and the drama of the day stayed there. Now the kids leave school, and the drama, bullying continues on every social media outlet. At the end of one of these group sessions, our therapist looked at me and said mom, how are you doing?
I felt as if the world had stopped, and every set of eyes was on me. I started wringing my hands, opened my mouth, and out of nowhere, "I need help." slipped out, followed by, "I can't fake it anymore, I am not going to make it."
He picked up the phone, dialed a number, and a week later, I was sitting in a room with the most helpful person I have met, sobbing my eyes out during an intake. It felt so good to finally get everything off my chest. We worked on a long term plan, with short term goals that would hopefully help me sleep at night, leave my house again, and return to my live streams once again. It was terrific, and that night, I actually slept the entire night. That was the first time in four months that I slept like a corpse and loved every minute of it.
The next day I woke up, and felt hopeful, and sat down to do a Friday night stream without any hangups. It was wonderful. And feeling that good made me think about what has been going on in my life. I had a very public breakdown in July, I vanished without warning several times, and I have had no consistency in my schedule, writing, publishing, and nothing for months now. That's when it hit me. I am going to share with you my journey of mental burnout recovery. Starting from the beginning, through the worst time, and climbing up that mountain once again. Keep your eyes peeled for posts here in my blogs, and yes, I am going to be sending out a newsletter once again.